In order to protect the purity of the 4.5 tatami room,
I don iron armor when venturing outside.
Armed by theory, sophistries at the ready, with a brazen, soft-coated, nonchalant smile,
I give no mercy to wretched souls running wild.
However, the more I defeat, the more this indescribable loneliness presses down upon me.
Why?
Wasn't this a holy war fought on the side of justice?
Now, with all humanity gone...
With my studies, exercise, popularity, good looks, all left behind...
I lie here, completely removed from those crucial pillars, stark naked.
I wish I could go back in time to that day!
In the beginning of the Paleozoic era, the Cambrian explosion occurred,
and a large number of organisms made their appearance.
Then, at the end of the Paleozoic era,
the world changed to an infinite spread of 2 tatami,
"2 Tatami Age (Permian Period)"
and in the beginning of the Mesozoic era it increased by one as the "3 Tatami Age" arrived.
"3 Tatami Age"
But as the dinosaurs appeared,
the laid out tatami were completely stomped into nothingness,
and time moved on to the Jurassic Period.
"Jurassic Period"
"Cretaceous Period"
After that came the majestic glory of humanity.
"Tertiary Period"
And before long, in the present world,
"Quaternary Period"
as the bell tolls for the end of the quaternary part of the Cenozoic period,
once again tatami have been spread across the world,
marking the beginning of the "4.5 Tatami Age."
"4.5 Tatami Age"
Going back in time is quite unbelievable.
However, I was wandering, lost,
in an unbelievable world of infinitely many 4.5 tatami rooms laid side by side.
It had already been 2 months since I began wandering.
Even though I figured this world had no end, I continued my pitiful, endless march.
"If I open the door, there is the hallway."
That would be an astronomical miraculous, and fortuitous happening.
All the rooms looked the same, but they all had slight differences.
Each one was inhabited by a slightly different me.
However, all of them seemed to have led some gloriously wasted campus life.
I tried to begin studying each one, and myself as a whole,
but I immediately lost my motivation,
and instead my interest shifted
to the traces in each room of the various people I was mixed up with.
The person named Aijima was one year older than me and the head of the Library Committee.
He was a small man who would not allow you to check out more than 2 books at once,
but you could see in his eyes through those glasses that his polite face masked hypocrisy,
and I got an impression that he was insufferable.
I recall seeing something of a purge in some Secret Society he was in charge of
after someone entrapped him.
Now that I think about it, earlier...
Do you know a Higuchi who lives on the second floor?
No.
I see. We are collecting information on this man.
This guy has caused everyone quite a lot of trouble, see...
He's like some youkai with no redeemable aspect at all.
The two that came calling had their faces covered,
but that vocal tick had to have been Aijima.
Then I'm going to tell you a number of things. If anything comes to mind, answer.
Airship. Gozan. Honwaka. Kohinata.
Kohinata-san was the poster child of a raven-haired maiden on campus.
If I were ever perchance to meet her,
I bet I would lavish her with gifts without a second thought,
regardless of the hardship on myself.
With their word association game not bearing any fruit, the two left.
That dental hygienist Hanuki-san was also an alumni of my university.
And I know that the two of them were in the same year.
While I'm mentioning it, that cart owner also seems to be from the same year.
It's a small world, you know?
Mr. Higuchi was an eighth year student on the brink,
but he was fixed in his ways and took things at his own pace, although he had a stately manner.
Hanuki-san would frequently visit him at the boarding house,
and it seems like he took on a couple of apprentices.
Why was he so revered?
His extremely useless life, his propensity for fierce self-effacement.
Perhaps it was all lined with deep learning.
In one of my lives, I had become his disciple.
The man whose entire body seemed chiseled out of stone, Mr. Jougasaki,
seemed to have taken over some war of pranks with Mr. Higuchi.
He didn't look like that sort of person at all,
but he succeeded as the next proxy, or something.
While Mr. Jougasaki had a lover named Kaori-san,
he seemed to have some interest in Hanuki-san.
Hanuki-san seemed to both be dating Mr. Higuchi and not dating him,
and anyway Mr. Higuchi said that he was going on a trip around the world.
Will you come with me, Hanuki?
You can speak English, right?
Don't be crazy. This is foolishness.
Mr. Higuchi had feelings for Hanuki-san,
and yet he was going to leave her... How frustrating.
Perhaps it was like he was pretending not to notice the diamond dropped on the roadside?
Looking at it like this, humans really are deep; they have many faces.
It's a huge shame to scorn people just because of a single hasty look at the surface.
If you look at them from all angles, you'll be able to see new, hidden sides to them.
I will put everything that I've been up on this shelf,
and once having put it all aside, I won't dare to take it down again.
However, I should have been satisfied to the point of bursting
by all these different people surrounding my campus lives.
What in the world was I doing?
I knew not how to partake of the world.
"Castella"
"Fish burger"
"Other"
"Me"
"I want to eat rice"
A convenience store onigiri would do.
Even if it were cold and hardened...
I'd trade 1,000 fish burgers for 1 onigiri!
If a bowl of fresh cooked rice were placed before me,
I am sure tears would flood down from my eyes in torrents!
But what I truly yearn for is Neko Ramen...
A world where I can go eat at Neko Ramen,
setting up shop randomly in the middle of the night...
That world is what I'd call...
...paradise.
"Paradise"
"Ozu"
The person who brought a Castella to most of my rooms.
Participating in many circles, I still don't have a full portrait of him.
From the info I have, he would get in the way of people's love,
setting off fires and scenes of carnage on a daily basis.
As the disciple of Master Higuchi he created an exposé film on Mr. Jougasaki,
all the while sucking up to Mr. Jougasaki,
and as a double agent dyeing Mr. Higuchi's yukata pink.
Before long as a tool of Aijima he was kicked out of the movie circle,
and this time entrapping Aijima, he climbed his way to the top of the Secret Society.
That bulletin board was also Ozu's doing!
While extolling the joys of the Renaissance man-like campus life,
he continued to meddle in every one of my lives.
If I had only met him, then I bet my campus life would have been a fun one.
Ozu always seemed to be my only real friend.
This was Ozu's smart phone that he must have forgotten.
I tried all kinds of passwords, then for fun I punched in Kohinata-san's name and it unlocked.
Amazingly, it seems that Kohinata-san was Ozu's girlfriend!
I couldn't believe it.
Why didn't he ever introduce her to me?
But it seemed like this was Ozu's big secret.
Ozu asked to borrow the airship that Honwaka had, but he was told no.
They were tossed around in the crowd of people, and she ended up crying.
W-Wait, I can't just... So suddenly...
The ceremonial fires of Gozan are a symbol of the summer nights of Kyoto.
On the fives mountains surrounding the basin,
"Daimonji," "Myouho," "The Ship," the left "Daimonji," and "The Gate" are each lit up in order.
It is impossible to see them all from the ground at once.
But Ozu planned on going on a sightseeing flight to see the Gozan with Kohinata-san.
Is he an idiot?
It seemed like Ozu planned on taking the airship by force.
"Wait for me in the top bell tower of the Honwaka Health Facility at 19:50. I'll come to pick you up in an airship. Keep it a secret from your father and everyone."
I'm just borrowing it.
What a fearfully pure love. An idiot through and through.
I wonder where he gets all that boldness from?
Is this really the judgment of
a human whose heart is so twisted they are mistaken for a youkai?
We're collecting information on this man.
Gozan. Airship. Kohinata.
He's heading right into Aijima's clutches!
"Aijima knows about your plan! Watch out! Gozan isn't
"Please charge"
Gozan was more than 2 months after the day I became lost in this world.
If I could escape from here,
I'd eat the tarako spaghetti at Café Collection, I'd slurp Neko Ramen,
I'd dive into the large tub at the public bath,
I'd go see movies at Kawaramachi,
I'd haggle with the old bookstore owner on Gabino,
I'd even listen during lectures at school!
I'd become Master Higuchi's disciple and engage in lewd storytelling,
I'd experience Hanuki-san's endless night of hell,
I'd help Mr. Jougasaki with his passionate, meaningless films,
I'd even try dabbling in the secret society.
Though I tried lying to myself as consolation, it became harder and harder every day.
"Lavatory"
This is the room I originally lived in.
Somehow, after these how many tens of days,
I had returned to the 4.5 tatami room I started at.
Could it be that the corner of an endless world of 4.5 tatami rooms
I believed so strongly I was traveling through was in fact a small loop?
Is this the end of the world? Am I dead?
I wish I could live happily together with everyone...
I had thought the days were all wasted, but they were such a bounty!
Always dreaming of the unrealistic, I never looked at what I had right around me.
That was the life I chose. And this is the result I wished for.
It was early evening at the Shimogamo used book fair the previous summer.
Only a short stretch from my boarding house,
I would go there every day, fishing for books.
What are those?
Each one is a "Mochiguma."
All five as a group are called the "Mochiguman," but I have lost one of them.
At that point her expression,
which was like some European fortress city, relaxed into a smile,
and that smile made an impression that has never left my mind.
In short, frankly, to put it plainly, honestly, saying it without any reservation,
at that moment...
I fell head over heels for her.
That night, when I went to collect my clothes from the laundromat, mysteriously,
my charcoal-colored boxers I had lovingly worn the past two years
had been switched with this little stuffed fellow.
And although I put it in my pocket intending to give it to her...
I should have thought to look for her, but I never took the first step.
Stop wandering aimlessly, and grab that opportunity with all your heart!
I'll take that step now...
Whether it takes 100 steps, or 1,000!
Ozu-kun?
Ozu, have you no shame?
You damn traitor!
You've got nowhere to run, Ozu!
Ozu-senpai, have you done some more mischief?
If you say you're going to do something to me, then I'm jumping!
I'm not coming down until you can guarantee my safety!
You think you're in a position to bargain for your safety?
Yeah!
Think about what you've done!
Enough! I'm jumping!
I'm gonna jump!
Ozu!!!
Ozu! Ozu! Ozu!
Ozu!
Who are you?!
It's me, Ozu!
You're naked!
Leave this to me! I'll cover for you!
What?
Moths!?
It was in the Kyoto newspaper the next day,
but the sudden outbreak of moths is still not properly understood.
However, I suspect you dear viewers understand.
He actually fell!
Crap!
Save him!
How about we kill him instead?
He's the type of guy who wouldn't stay down even if you killed him!
Ow, ow, ow! My leg is broken!
Please, let me go!
I'm not letting you go, no matter what!
Why do you care about me?
You and I are connected by the black thread of fate!
I don't know what you're talking about!
And I don't like it!
Ozu is not going to run away, so calm down!
I will take responsibility.
Master, you're so cool!
I ended up falling...
When I said to "break a leg" for a girl, I didn't mean for real.
You're one incorrigible fool, you know.
Why, thank you!
You reap what you sow, right?
What nerve you've got.
I'm sorry, Jougasaki-san.
Leave him to me.
Aren't you also a resident of Shimogamo Yuusuisou?
Yes.
I'll leave Ozu to you.
Cover yourself with this.
You can't go by yourself!
Hanuki-san is waiting for you!
I know that.
No!
Show her you're a man! Tell her "Come with me!"
You're an interesting person, aren't you?
Having failed to steal the airship,
he changed into women's clothes at the suggestion of Master Higuchi
and returned to Shimogamo down the canals of Lake Biwa
where he was supposed to rendezvous withe the Master...
But the disguise was easily seen through, or rather made him stand out more.
And he was cornered by Honwaka, and members of the Lucky Cat Chinese Restaurant,
plus Mr. Jougasaki who had realized the betrayal of his disciple,
plus all manner of people whose love he had gotten in the way of,
until he was forced onto the railing of the Kamo-oohashi and fell off.
What's this?
It's something I once picked up.
I believe it is yours, correct?
Could you be the owner of the mouse-colored boxers?
A year ago when I washed the Mochiguma, it got switched with some men's underwear.
And I've been searching for their owner ever since!
I think that pair of underwear will fit me perfectly!
So, if you'd like...
How about we go to Neko Ramen?
Sure!
For some reason I have a feeling like I've been waiting for those words for a long time.
Is it really that delicious?
Well, that's nice.
This flavor really is unmatched.
Because it is not the purpose of this program
to show the further development of my relationship with Akashi-san,
I will refrain from showing much.
I wouldn't want to throw my dear viewers' time down the gutter, now would I?
Nothing else is as boring to tell as a story of successful love.
I was half forced to become Master Higuchi's disciple,
and the master has now disappeared on his journey around the world.
"Do not try this with normal scrub brush"
My regret for becoming his disciple was some of the fastest in history,
but as I pulled the pins out from the globe,
I became entranced imagining where Master Higuchi must be now.
Mr. Jougasaki said he left the laboratory and planned to get a job somewhere.
Speaking of which, I wonder where the wordless beauty "Kaori-san" is now?
I pray that Mr. Jougasaki and she are leading a happy life together somewhere.
The one thing Master Higuchi worried about,
the "Masochistic Proxy-Proxy War," was carried on by Ozu and myself.
While he was in the hospital, I painted the bicycle he called "Dark Scorpion" pink.
To go along with the great change in myself,
I found a new boarding house in Motoanaka, and moved there with all haste.
After all, I never wanted to spend the night in that 4.5 tatami room ever again.
This time I chose a 6 tatami room and made sure it had its own bathroom.
Ozu-san has a girlfriend?
Well, I can't let that one go by.
He stole the airship in order to let her see the bonfires from the air.
Oh, is that why?
He even called you all to the Kamo-oohashi to show how gallant he was.
I see. But he failed, didn't he?
Ozu-san really hates it when the conversation turns to love.
Perhaps he turns into a good boy when he's in front of his girlfriend.
Oh, the gang's all here.
Even with all that evil you did, you still had time to go out with Kohinata-san, huh?
W-What might you be talking about?
I heard that you once called Hanuki-san for advice
when you thought you were being dumped, isn't that right?
Lies! It's all lies!
Tell us all about it.
I invoke my right to remain silent! I want a lawyer!
You have a tough time even while you're in the hospital, right?
I don't want to hear that from you.
Then why don't you run away somewhere until things cool down?
Leave the expenses to me!
What are you plotting? You can't fool me!
You should try trusting in other people more.
There are big-hearted people like me in this world, you know.
In exchange, let me meet your girlfriend!
No way! I refuse! You're so evil!
Fine then! It's all for your sake!
Why must you be so interested in me?
It's the way I show my love.
You can keep that icky love to yourself!